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Hell Unleashed { An AU Season 7 Buffy RPG }

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It's been a long lonely road... [Monday, August 15th, 2005 @ 12:54pm]

[ mood | sad, confused, tired ]

I am so tired. Every bone in my body aches, but I can't rest. The last two years have been the most painful of my life. It's like I've just woken out of a terrible and vivid nightmare.

Two years.

I can't believe it's been that long. I don't have the memory of some months at all, whilst some days seemed to last for horrific weeks. When I think about that, I feel sick and start shaking. I fear I might go crazy again just from the knowledge of what I went through.

Dawn saved me. Dawn who died, and is back somehow. I don't understand what happened exactly. It's all a blur. I did something, I think. But... No, it makes no sense to me, and I don't want to think about it. It hurts to think about it too much.

I lie down on the bed. I don't remember it, but apparently Willow and I moved in here after Dawn died. Willow's made the spare room at Buffy's so pretty. Then I was sent to the institution, of course, but this place already feels like home.

The doctors had proclaimed my recovery a "miracle". They asked my dad if it was ok to officially release me, since he's my next of kin. He said, apparently, that I could do whatever the hell I like. Glad to feel the family love. Apparently the shame of having a crazy daughter was too much for him. But at least that means I'm free from the fear that one day he'll come for me.

The house is mercifully quite quiet. Buffy and Joyce, of course, were overjoyed when Dawn came back, and they are constantly around her, asking if she's ok and if she needs anything. I feel a little overlooked, but at the same time, I don't want too much fuss. Quiet is better. I scare so easily these days.

Sighing, I snuggle into the pillows. I wish Willow were here. I have memories of Willow visiting me in the hospital, of her looking at me with her big sad eyes, talking to me, loving me. But apparently she got addicted to the magics. I can't say it surprises me. I don't like to admit that I suspected it might happen - it seems like I'm betraying her - but I was always a little scared of how quickly she picked up magic, and how much she started using it. I guess with me gone she went over the edge. I feel so guilty about that, even though it wasn't my fault I was sick. I just feel I should have been able to resist Glory somehow, and because I didn't, I lost two years of my life and I failed Willow.

I just hope she comes home soon. I don't expect to be able to pick things up where we left them - too much has changed - but I still love her. Always, always will, no matter what she does. I just hope when she returns she'll still be the Willow I knew before all this happened.

((Open to anyone - probably any scoobies in the house.))

21 Comment

[Sunday, August 14th, 2005 @ 10:31am]

[ mood | aggravated ]

Drama... drama seems to consume every second of my life. From the day I was "born" to the day that I jumped. It's been 2 years since then but still I think about it. I can't help it, I wasn't here those two years. I was in hell. Why had I gone to hell? Simple I am a sinner, I never truly accepted God so there I was. I don't remember anything really, it's all fuzzy and it makes me nauseous to think about it. I've been back for a few weeks now and it seems like everything has passed in a blur. Minutes fade into hours, which flow into days, whichs melts into weeks. I have hardly left the house, except when I went and visited Tara. I gave her sanity back to her. I gave it to her. I don't know how or why. I just touched her, and there was light, and there was Tara. I have power now and I don't understand it. Never had any power before, but I came back and there it is. I've talked to Giles on the phone, he's told me not to do anything with it, forget I have it, stay away from it until he see's me. He's going to be coming down to check on me and Tara before he tells Willow. I imagine she's going to be hurt because we all knew before her.

As I lay here on my bed I stare up at the celing and smile softly. That stain looks like a dog's head. I wonder how many times Buffy laid here and looked at the shapes up there. This is her old room after all. Mom and Buffy have been so...careful with me. Always cooking my favorite foods, buying me stuff, coming in 20 thousand times a day to see how I'm doing. It's like I'm a fucking china doll, like I'm going to break if someone blows on me. Sometimes I just want to beat their heads against the wall until they pass out... Whoa, there it goes again. I don't know why but I get these most hateful urges at times. It feel so evil at times and it...scares me. Hearing a knock on my door I jerk my head up and sigh. "Come in." I yell slightly and pulled the blanket up around me. Who would it be this time?

(Tag either Joyce or Buffy, whoever wants to come in.)


13 Comment

Reflection... [Saturday, August 13th, 2005 @ 3:04pm]

Disgrace, Loss of honor, respect, or reputation; shame. The condition of being strongly and generally disapproved. One that brings disfavor or discredit.

Disappointment, The act of disappointing, or the state of being disappointed; defeat or failure of expectation or hope; miscarriage of design or plan; frustration.

Have I become my most feared and loathed enemy? Have I become what I have always fought not to be? To excel at anything I put my mind to, and to achieve with honor or excellence? Is this truly what me Willow Rosenberg has become? Everything is still so fuzzy and unsure to me at what had happened. I remember being me, normal Willow, and then I remember a rage consuming me, feeding off of me. Feeding off of what I felt, loved, thought, treasured and still I let it take me in.

Was it to fill the void of not having Tara by my side? Had I truly become that co-dependent that I couldn't function no longer? Co-dependent maybe, what can I honestly say? Love was blinding me? Damn right I was blinded, but for the right reasons, the right journey. To help the woman I love. And in that I became a disgrace. A disappointment. I failed and shamed her, I became everything she wasn't I relied on the darker magic. And at what cost? My life? My friends and families lives? All of it in my moment of weakness.

Should I have done things differently? Darn tootin I should of. Am I sorry? Of course. But for the reasons that were, Is why I am here, sitting on this lovely grassy knoll in England. Can I ever go back to who I was? I try, try and try every day, learning and discussing with Giles where I went wrong, the right way I should use magic. I use it every day now, not like when I was home in Sunnydale, but I use it, true to the way it was meant to be. The way Tara would have wanted me to use it.

Am I scared? Always, I fear that with each cast I could and might possibly lose it going back to what I had become, what I still am, a monster. My fear is what drives me to stay from the magic as most as I can, I know that if I were to fall off the wagon that it would be the end to this Willow Rosenberg, I could never gain back the control and the magic would consume me whole.

But I can't. And that's why I'm here, to protect myself and my family.

I can see out into the distance, this place is so surreal and in its own calming. I have no worries at the moment, I can't. I have to focus and let myself learn... I still wonder if Giles is proud of me, he has said that a few times since I have been here, but does he truly mean it? Can he hold his head up proud in front of the council? In front of the coven?

(Tag Giles)
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