Disappointment, The act of disappointing, or the state of being disappointed; defeat or failure of expectation or hope; miscarriage of design or plan; frustration.
Have I become my most feared and loathed enemy? Have I become what I have always fought not to be? To excel at anything I put my mind to, and to achieve with honor or excellence? Is this truly what me Willow Rosenberg has become? Everything is still so fuzzy and unsure to me at what had happened. I remember being me, normal Willow, and then I remember a rage consuming me, feeding off of me. Feeding off of what I felt, loved, thought, treasured and still I let it take me in.
Was it to fill the void of not having Tara by my side? Had I truly become that co-dependent that I couldn't function no longer? Co-dependent maybe, what can I honestly say? Love was blinding me? Damn right I was blinded, but for the right reasons, the right journey. To help the woman I love. And in that I became a disgrace. A disappointment. I failed and shamed her, I became everything she wasn't I relied on the darker magic. And at what cost? My life? My friends and families lives? All of it in my moment of weakness.
Should I have done things differently? Darn tootin I should of. Am I sorry? Of course. But for the reasons that were, Is why I am here, sitting on this lovely grassy knoll in England. Can I ever go back to who I was? I try, try and try every day, learning and discussing with Giles where I went wrong, the right way I should use magic. I use it every day now, not like when I was home in Sunnydale, but I use it, true to the way it was meant to be. The way Tara would have wanted me to use it.
Am I scared? Always, I fear that with each cast I could and might possibly lose it going back to what I had become, what I still am, a monster. My fear is what drives me to stay from the magic as most as I can, I know that if I were to fall off the wagon that it would be the end to this Willow Rosenberg, I could never gain back the control and the magic would consume me whole.
But I can't. And that's why I'm here, to protect myself and my family.
I can see out into the distance, this place is so surreal and in its own calming. I have no worries at the moment, I can't. I have to focus and let myself learn... I still wonder if Giles is proud of me, he has said that a few times since I have been here, but does he truly mean it? Can he hold his head up proud in front of the council? In front of the coven?